Thoughts on Coming Out

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. It’s a day that allows people to celebrate coming out of the closet.

I changed my name on facebook yesterday in a snap decision that I didn’t think through. When I realized it was a bad decision a few days before a big family event and tried to change it back, facebook told me I had to wait 60 days until I could change it again.

I posted a status that said:

I guess this wasn’t a good idea, but I was in a celebratory mood for my identity, and wanted to share it.

I’m trans. I’m pansexual. These things have both been posted on facebook before, just not in such a blatant way. I guess I thought it’d be okay because of that. I think it would have been okay if I hadn’t changed my name. But there were consequences.

My parents and I have a great relationship. I love my mom and dad. The only people in my family that know my trans identity are my mother and my little sister.

My mom called me this morning.

Mom: I think you should call your dad.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because you posted something big on facebook without telling him first like I told you you should have he got a call from his sister asking about it, and he’s upset

Mom: Why would you not tell him?
Me: Because I know he doesn’t get it and I didn’t see the point in trying to explain something I know he doesn’t understand.
Mom: He doesn’t have to understand I’m not sure I understand but he still deserves to know.

We ended the conversation by my mom telling me that our family loves and supports me no matter what.

So here is my explanation on coming out.

Hi. I’m nonbinary. I don’t have a gender. That he/she thing doesn’t apply to me. This is complicated and hard and confusing. Most people don’t understand it and the world isn’t really built for in-between.

This journey of gender discovery has been long and hard but I found comfort when I found vocabulary to describe what I feel.
I found comfort when I found a name that is not feminine, that I felt fit me and made me feel like I could reclaim part of me.
I found comfort when I found other trans people that could help guide me through this confusing gender journey.

I don’t like telling people this because it requires explanation. Even when people understand it, I still can’t say, “I’m nonbinary and pansexual, please use they/them pronouns and ignore my given name”, and expect no questions and for it to go perfectly.
I don’t like that I have to explain my identity. It’s not like one binary to the other trans, it’s a middle ground that gets rid of the idea of gender altogether. Even when people understand it, it’s hard to tell people, because it’s a personal part of my identity and journey that is hard to verbalize. I’m not good with words. I don’t know how to answer people’s questions. All I know is this is how I feel.

And then there’s terms. Nonbinary. Agender. Pansexual. What are all of these new terms? People don’t know unless they are affected by it or are around it every day.

Agender

Many people who don’t subscribe to gender use the term “agender”. This is a pretty simple term: not gendered. I choose to not identify with this term because I feel that by giving yourself the gender of agender, you are subscribing to the idea that you have a gender. However there are many people that identify with this and it gives them comfort.

Non-binary

I am off the binary of man and woman. This is a broad umbrella term that explains there is a binary of gender: man and woman. It also explains that there is a way to not live in that binary way. I choose the umbrella term because instead of subscribing myself to a gender, I’m saying that I am not any of those things.

Transgender

Transgender is another umbrella term that says you are not the sex/gender you were assigned at birth. This image of a transgender umbrella is something that’s frequently used to explain transgender.

Pansexual

My gender identity and my sexuality are very much intertwined. I don’t see gender when looking for a partner, just as I don’t see a gender in myself. A simple way of putting it is that I have the ability to love any human simply based on the idea that they are a human being.

This is confusing if you don’t experience it every day. That’s why my identity requires explanation. Identity is also personal; everyone has a little bit of a different interpretation based on how they personally feel.

In a way, I want people to personally understand how I feel and what my identity is. Because if you understand, you are more likely to respect what I’m asking of you. I’m asking you to not call me a girl or a woman. I’m asking you to not call me ‘she’. I’m asking you to not call me Julia. Because I am not any of those things. I’m not a man, I’m not a woman. I’m not she, I’m not he. I’m not Julia, I am Elliot.

Respect that I’m queer.

Be safe, be happy, and be healthy. And happy national coming out day.