Hating Christmas

Since it's November and the world will soon turn into Christmas central, I thought I would share something I wrote two years ago about experiencing Christmas as a Jewish person. 

***

“Julia, why do you hate Christmas?” He asked. The words were not cruel but the intentions were. The table became a boxing match and he had one point for a punch to the gut. I realized I had no gloves to fight back.

“I don't.” I tried to steady my voice. My mind went blank and my heart rate sped up with my mounting anxiety.

“But you don't celebrate it?” He asked.

“I'm Jewish.” I reminded him, but he knew this.

“Not even the commercialized one? With Santa and stuff?” He continued. I was helpless to do anything more than stare at him, confused. The people around us tried to help me out but he was determined to make this fight between the two of us.

“Yea but like I'm atheist and I celebrate commercialized Christmas.” I struggled to articulate the difference. His family was Christian, Catholic even. Mine were Jewish. He didn't understand why my being Jewish changed that. He had hit me down and began pulling out my words like teeth. I knew the answer to his questions but the words to say them were disconnected.

“It's not my holiday to celebrate.” I struggled.

“So you don't go to Christmas parties?”

“Why would she go to Christmas parties?” Someone next to me chimed in. I was grateful for the help but still flustered.

“Then why would you invite the floor to a Hannukah party?” I was taken aback. I was the only Jewish person on my floor of my dorm.

“Because I didn't want to celebrate alone...and I have gone to Christmas parties and done secret Santa with my dance studio-” he cut me off.

“Then you do celebrate Christmas!”

I realized then that every time I was going to say something he would twist my words more and more to his liking. The only way to make it stop would be to agree.

“Sure” I sighed. “When I am invited to Christmas parties I go. When my dance studio does a mandatory secret Santa I participate. When my orchestra plays a Christmas concert every year, I play with them. When school gets out for a week for Christmas, I get a break too. I'm not going to go out of my way to do any of these things unless I am invited. I don't get myself a damn tree or Santa or listen to Christmas music because it is not my holiday to celebrate. Just like you don't light a menorah and say prayers for eight days because that's not your holiday to celebrate. But if you or me is invited to a holiday party, as a decent human being I will go. But none of it is intended for me.”

“Okay.” He nodded. But I could see the hatred in his eyes. I was unsure what I had done to him to receive it.

When I was little (maybe 1st grade) and I got bullied, my dad told me to tell my bullies that Santa wasn't real. As if that realization of the falseness of the holiday that is most important to you is the worst blow you can give a child.

Now I'm older, and my bullies know that Santa’s not real and wonder why I don't give money to something that has no meaning to me. They know it's not real - they count on it. Because something that isn't real can infect people who don't celebrate the holiday, but will celebrate “the season”. How do you combat that?

How do you combat a world that changes on the first of November to something that excludes you? You ignore it. If you're invited, you take part, but you are constantly aware that it is not for you; it is not your holiday to celebrate.

Being Jewish in general is hard. Between holocaust jokes and mounting antisemitism and being the token people ask questions of, there is a bombardment of cruelty from the media and peers. But being Jewish during Christmas is like living in a party you weren't invited to. It's much harder. You're trained from a young age to tune it out and let the other people celebrate their holiday.

It's impossible to articulate a feeling of exclusion to people who haven't felt it. Sure, you could always give in and celebrate the “commercialized Christmas”, but you would be giving in to fitting in, instead of standing up for the religion you believe in. Celebrating Christmas as a Jew is the easy way to spend the holiday, but you are letting the rest of your people who won't go against their religion down. Together we are stronger, that's why we can't give in to celebrating a commercialized version of a holiday that wasn't meant for us.

I don't want to fit in, because it is not for me. I have my own holidays for family. My family doesn't come over for Christmas, they come over for Chanukah, Rosh Hashanah, break fast after Yom Kippur, or Passover. They come for the holidays meant for us. Me celebrating a holiday I don't believe in is like Santa; it's not real. And that's something I will never let myself do.

***

Last year I was given a blue and white Christmas tree around holiday time and told that it was Jewish because it was blue and white. Someone spent actual money to give me something that has nothing to do with what I believe or celebrate and based my entire religion on two colors who's only association with the religion is Israel.

I'm constantly told by people who celebrate Christmas that they're switching to saying holiday time instead of Christmas time. Winter break instead of Christmas break. But that's just it - there aren't other holidays besides Christmas being celebrated. There's new years and Christmas. Quanza is not integral to a religion. Chanukah celebrates a military victory, it's our least important holiday. It's just Christmas that matters.

Being Jewish around this time of the year makes me bitter. It makes me wish people understood that Chanukah is not an important holiday. It makes me jealous that the entire world gets something that seems so fun that I'm not allowed to take part in. 

Think about this the next time you decide to play Christmas music on November 1st.